The American Idol Retro Diary

Lennon/McCartney Week. This is one of my favorite theme weeks (dating back to Season 7) where it has produced a good number of American Idol classic renditions such as Brooke White’s Let It Be (my most played American Idol mp3 in my iPod), David Cook’s Eleanor Rigby and David Archuleta’s Imagine. This week is also the perfect time to write about a retro diary on American Idol. Since Bill Simmons – despite the fact that he has talked about American Idol for two to three times in his podcasts – never writes an American Idol retro diary, I thought of making one instead.

Yes, this is the American Idol blog that I was mentioning last week. Let’s see if I can pull this off. I have the time to do it (holiday today) and this is the theme where I know almost all the songs. Perfect. Oh wait, this is the week after Didi got eliminated! Argh! I thought that this week is a perfect fit for her just like the Mariah Week fitted Ramiele in Season 7. Let’s stop crying over spilled milk shall we?

Let’s get this started. Downloaded file? Check. Notes from last Wednesday’s run (the 8 PM one)? Check. Sense of humor? Hmmm…

(All times are dependent on the runtime of my downloaded file)

00:01:03: “Ladies and gentlemen, welcome your judges…” Oh great! They still have this boring announcer calling the judges and Seacrest out.

00:01:22: Ryan Seacrest does an Adam Lambert (when he walked down the stair) then the camera shows the crowd. Lacey Brown is in the audience? Awesome! She is definitely pretty. By the way, this is the first Lacey Brown appearance of the show. You can play a ‘Where’s Lacey?’ game throughout the show.

00:01:59: Ryan Seacrest mentions Didi Benami’s departure and shows her image in the wide screen. Hand me over a can of beer, please!

00:04:19: Randy Jackson says “I think there’s going to be big highs and big lows. These songs are the best songs ever written…” I can’t believe I am agreeing with Randy but it was a generic statement. These contestants better not butcher my favorite songs.

00:05:07: Damn! Kara DioGuardi dazzles with that sparkling sleeveless shirt. She is back to being Hot Cougar Kara. Speaking of her hotness, what do you think are the odds that she poses nude for Playboy? I am going to bet that she does that some time in the next five years. Hey, she already posed in a bikini for Maxim and showed her bikini body in last season’s finale. She is heading in that direction. Milk on it while you are still sexy, Kara.

00:05:24: Simon Cowell: “She’s (referring to Kara) on good form tonight.” Even Simon agrees.

00:05:49: Simon Cowell: “Some songs can be changed. Some can’t.” Take note of this message.

00:08:13: Damn it, Aaron! You’re copying my hair style again! Can you return to the Ellen hairdo? It is funnier that way. By the way, David Archuleta v 2.0 sings Long And Winding Road. WTF. Aaron Kelly continues to sing songs that had great renditions before like: I Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing (David Cook) and Ain’t No Sunshine (Kris Allen). Aaron has butchered both of them. What about his take on The Long and Winding…

00:09:56: Let’s cut it short. It was a long and winding song. Pretty boring at parts but was not horrible unlike Aaron’s past two. There was nothing special about it and Aaron still continues to bend his knees. If you mute an Aaron Kelly performance, you won’t notice its difference from his past performances as his actions are the same in every performance.

00:10:43: Y-You know, I-I-I… Ellen DeGeneres starts her critique with two stutters. Ellen Stutter Count: 2. Ellen uses Script #2 in her critique which is to say Aaron is fantastic. Ellen uses Script # 2 a lot even if the performer is not really fantastic. She follows this up by saying that it was a long and winding song (which is paraphrasing what Randy said). I think that is what Script # 2 is also all about – paraphrase Randy’s critique in a funny way.

00:11:00: Ellen ends her critique with a stutter. Ellen Stutter Count: 10. Thank God, I am not doing the drinking game.

00:11:48: Simon Cowell: “Sweetie, use the microphone.” Simon is starting to show his gay tendencies. Other than which, Aaron finally gets his much-deserved criticism after throwing stink bombs the past two weeks.

00:14:07: Katie Stevens is blossoming with that pink dress. Oops! She is still jailbait… careful!

00:15:34: Katie is singing Let It Be??? No!!! Not the Brooke White song. Can we retire that song because Brooke already made a tremendously awesome version of it?

00:18:05: Katie exhibited hot, smooth and solid vocals in her performance but I hated the way she sang it. It had Katharine McPhee style of indulgent power vocals singing in it.

00:19:20: Kara is so pretty… so is Katie… but, Kara is hot!.. Jailbait… Cougar… Jailbait…

00:20:17: Kara sings “Let it be!” Damn, her style of singing beats any of Katie’s “let it be’s.” Because of this, Cougar beats Jailbait. Despite the judges’ appreciation, I still felt Katie butchered that Beatles’ classic. This is the same way I felt when they praised Carly Smithson’s take on Come Together before. Beatles’ songs are tricky because you cannot change most of the style. Technically, Katie was good but her delivery was nauseating.

00:20:01: Simon gets indulgent as usual by saying that it was his advice that Katie followed. Simon, I know you are British but did that sound country for you? Anyway, let’s mute Simon’s egotistical blabber and do something more interesting – spot Lacey in the crowd.

Waiting…

Waiting…

Still can’t see her? Take a look at Kara’s seat. Yup, there is Lacey’s red hair showing.

00:21:33: Katie begs the audience with that annoying “Please! Please! Please!” I hope she does not get eliminated though.

00:22:12: COMMERCIAL BREAK. The Sanyo commercial is still getting used up to now? How many years has that been used? Oh yeah, it’s like HDTV is grabbing a huge market here in the Philippines.

00:22:13: I was sarcastic.

00:23:04: Tim says that Andrew is the goofiest contestant. Yeah, he looks goofy enough.

00:25:52: Crowd applauds Andrew (they applaud anything anyway). Let’s play “Where’s Lacey?” again. Can you see her this time?

Waiting…

Waiting…

Still can’t see her? Haha! Got you fooled! She’s not there.

Uhh… there’s a redhead girl clapping. D’oh! It’s Lacey!

00:26:29: Ellen uses Script # 2 again. Ellen Stutter Count: 12

00:28:01: When asked as to why they felt he was corny, Andrew said “Maybe, because I was smiling.” Dude, you were performing at their backs. They can’t see you smile.

00:31:15: Why I don’t like Mike: He is big but he sings small words. It’s like he is munching them. I know the lyrics of Eleanor Rigby but I find it hard to understand what he was singing. I thought he likes to tell stories. Man, your listener needs to understand your story.

00:32:29: Michael Lynche terribly butchers Eleanor Rigby. I hated his phrasing, style and overall delivery. Technically, he sings in tune all the time but remember what Simon said at 00:05:49 – not all songs can be changed. I cannot believe I was able to survive watching Big Mike’s rendition of Eleanor Rigby again (for this retro diary). I am now starting to wonder why I was ecstatic for this theme’s week. All performances have been disappointing thus far. Probably, it is because I love Beatles’ songs a lot that I hate them being changed in a bad way. By the way, spot Lacey in the background again. We can make a Lacey Brown Drinking Game every time she is in the audience.

00:33:22: Ellen: “I thought some people don’t like it” – LIKE ME! Ellen Stutter Count: 17. She ends her ‘critique’ saying she likes it. That pretty much sums up every Ellen DeGeneres critique this season (Come on, Ellen! You have Script # 1 – Boo yourself and say it was bad; Script # 3 – Hug the contestant and Script # 4 – Don’t say anything. You haven’t used Script # 4 yet. I tell you that’s the best and easiest script in there). She throws a funny/not-so-funny comment then says she likes it at the end. The only interesting thing about her has been her stuttering. You won’t lose anything if you fast-forward Ellen’s critiques. And this is why I am missing Paula Abdul. Last year, I was one of those who were irked about Paula’s nonsensical blabber. If we are actually going to compare Paula to Ellen, the latter is a bit better because of her jokes but there is no way the judging this year is better than last year’s. As Bill Simmons mentioned in his podcasts, Paula leaving is like the reverse Ewing Theory. (For those who don’t know, The Ewing Theory is about Patrick Ewing, a star basketball player of the New York Knicks. They struggled and failed when he was on the team. He is a good player but when he left the team due to injury, the Knicks even ended up at the NBA Finals.) Paula maybe a weak judge but she had better chemistry with the group. You also would like to watch Paula despite the trainwreck that she was because that is entertainment. Lastly, Paula knows how to critique the contestants in a musical standpoint. Ellen takes her cues from Randy and does not have the gall to disagree with him. Have some guts, Ellen. Seeing judges disagree with one another is awesome entertainment.

00:33:39: Kara says Big Mike’s performance was ‘fire’ and she loved how he changed it. WTF?! Not everything changed is good. It was TERRIBLE!!!

00:34:52: Simon Cowell: “It was too over the top.” Word.

00:35:09: Randy should shut the eff up. He already had his turn in pimping Big Mike and he does it again for two times after Simon’s critique. Michael Lynche is really a judges’ darling. I can only recall two good performances from him but the judges still go nuts on this mediocre performance. Did they put too much money on betting for Big Mike?

00:36:57: COMMERCIAL BREAK. Greenwich Commercial: Kris Allen winning American Idol might have made the show goofy to a lot of people, but John Lloyd, Kris did not look goofy when he performed then.

00:37:53: Crystal’s turn. Save us from the mediocrity! Then she says that she has colds. WHAT?! Seriously?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooo!!!

00:42:09: Crystal’s accent/style/voice really gives chills to my spines. But after a promising start, Crystal’s rendition of Come Together became bad. She even fumbled her lyrics. The ending was forced and shouty. But since I never liked any Come Together performance in American Idol (i.e., Carly’s and Kris Allen’s), I will just say that this was semi-butchered. Shoot me.

00:43:08: Ellen loved the didgeridoo or is it the ‘diridoo’? I cannot determine if she is stuttering or not anymore. Ellen: “With you, I-I the only thing I have to worry about how uh-uh-uh a new way…” Oh damn, Ellen stuttered at least twelve times in that one critique! Generous Ellen Stutter Count: 29.

00:46:32: Teflon Tim is next? Time to turn off my TV for ten minutes…

Just kidding!!!

00:48:05: Tim should endorse Close-Up.

00:50:00: Tim’s voice fits the Beatles but there is always a part of his performance that flatlines. I hate to say this but his performance is one of the best of the night thus far. He did justice to the song. Classic example that you should not change the style of a Beatles’ song that much.

00:51:34: Tim changed his hair?! I didn’t notice! Either way, this performance bought him another week. It looks like my prediction via Twitter prior to the Top 12 is going to happen. My prediction: Let’s say the over/under of Tim’s elimination is Top 7. I picked over (meaning he survives Top 7 at the very least.

00:52:04: Ellen uses Script # 2 again and compliments Tim’s look (instead of his musical positives which come once in a blue moon). Oh come on, Ellen! Why didn’t you use Script # 3 (Hug a contestant)?! We just got to listen to the rare good Tim Urban performance.

00:55:36: Lacey’s LEGS!!!

00:56:14: Aaron’s attempt on imitating Casey’s laugh = LAME and EPIC FAIL

00:56:41: Casey decides to play Jealous Guy. This is the only song that I do not know the whole night.

01:00:56: Ellen’s Stutter Count: 34

01:01:58: Simon Cowell: “Goldilocks, I think that was the best performance of the night.” True Story. But with all the mediocre and butchered songs, that isn’t saying anything that much. But still, props to Casey James.

01:04:55: Siobhan is going to sing Across The Universe? (Michael Johns’ lame performance years ago pops up in my mind) Uh oh… Siobhan, you better pull this off. This is one of my favorite and most played Beatles’ songs.

01:07:40: Ladies and gentlemen, Siobhan Magnus is back in the game! I loved her solemn rendition. She slightly edges Casey James in the performance of the night category. Siobhan’s performance was not a risky one but it showed that she can perform a slow song without using her extremely high notes. One step forward to reclaiming the top spot in my rankings, Ms. Magnus.

01:08:17: Randy calls it sleepy.

01:09:12: Ellen says it is beautiful (just like the other performances)

01:09:33: Kara says it was restrained and polite. Kara, what do you expect from a rendition of Across the Universe? Some songs should be sung in a slow manner and some have to be upbeat. The main reason why most performances failed for me is because they tried to change it up in the wrong way. Kara does not think that Siobhan’s take was current and should be on the radio. My suggestion to Kara: listen to the studio version. It’s a beauty.

01:10:41: Simon defers from appreciating the performance and just says that Siobhan is unpredictable. But you know what, just like what Siobhan said “nothing’s gonna change my world.” (Translation: Eff you, judges!) Nothing’s gonna change my mind on how good that rendition was. It was such a good and honest take of the song. Judges appreciated Casey’s honest performance then they suddenly lost it in Siobhan’s. But you know what? I don’t care. Although, Siobhan pimped herself with her tears during Simon’s critique.

01:12:15: Don’t mess with Earl, Simon. His name is Earl. He is out there to redeem himself for karma’s sake. Simon, you should do that too (for all your overpimping and meanness)

01:13:43: Lee, I bet you will win American Idol this year.

01:14:05 – 01:14:12: Lee + Andrew = BROMANCE. They take their picture while you can see someone in the background. Guess who she is? Clue: Red Hair. Lee turns off the lights so they can create some Danny Gokey babies. Gross!

01:16:55: Lee finishes the show with a good performance of Hey Jude. Lee is like Allison Iraheta (voice-wise). He does not need to change a song that much because of his awesome voice. He was pitchy and a shouty again but it was a good performance overall. As for the bagpiper, I like it – it was like a statement from Lee that he is going for the kill. His confidence level is high.

01:18:14: Final Ellen DeGeneres Stutter Count: 37. I would be in hospital right now if I did the drinking game.

01:19:19: Lee says it was his idea 100% to use the bagpiper even if Simon lambasted him for it. That is the correct attitude when you get criticized. I think the reason why guys also tend to stay longer than the females is because they handle criticism a lot better.

01:19:20: We get to see Lacey for the 1,369th time.

Overall, it was a so-so performance night. I guess it is because I do not want the Beatles’ songs change that much. It is really hard, anyway. That is the reason why only Brooke White and David Cook have succeeded in changing it up a little.

With regard to the elimination night, I have to say that I was disappointed with the save. I was speechless seeing it unfold in my eyes. Big Mike performed very well in his elimination song but I believe it was too early. Also, he was not a standout either. The judges will be kicking their asses if a contender goes home in the next three weeks. It was also a huge slap to Didi Benami fans because if the judges were going to use the save this early, why not on Didi? She had more remarkable performances than Big Mike. But then, Big Mike is the judges’ darling (and Didi was really off-key in her elimination song). That or Simon is scared that Big Mike will rip him into pieces.

What’s worse is that they will shove Big Mike on our throats for the nth time next week. Ugh! There is a reason that America voted him off. If he gets eliminated by Top 9, that just means he has no shot at winning it. We have at least one more week to watch Big Mike and his cocky smug. This is definitely the worst season ever (and I am still blogging about it because this is Simon’s last season).

I got to listen Didi Benami’s longer version of Terrified in a YouTube clip in Ellen DeGeneres’ show (where she really is good at). Damn, it was awesome. How come the judges raved too much on Andrew’s Straight Up in live shows while they never mentioned Didi’s Terrified? Yeah, I am still bitter.

I also got to watch Didi’s interview and she confirmed what I originally thought of her – she did not want to play the sob story because it is not cool to get sympathy votes. Kudos to you, Didi!

And to Ellen, stay in your talk show. You are doing very well in there already. I checked the Web and I found out that you have a five-year deal (FIVE-YEAR DEAL?!!) for American Idol. I know you are a good woman. Can you just transfer the contract to someone more musically-inclined like, let’s say, Katy Perry?


This will probably be the last time I do a retro diary for this season (except on the season finale which I will surely watch, with or without Siobhan). Doing a retro diary is too time consuming.

Any time you have a chance to save a guy who butchered Eleanor Rigby, you just have to do it. Ladies and gentlemen, American Idol Season 9!